The last picture I took

I saw something on the news tonight about finding the last picture on your phone before the lockdown happened .  I found a video of Truman and myself walking to soccer practice on March 10th, one year ago today.  Mere days before all we knew was different. 

The boys then started looking through pictures with me from last March on.  Lots of walks, snuggles and crafts.  They said things like “that was fun” and “you made that really cool”. As much as the last year has been hard (not shown in photos were the many tears and freak outs)and as much as I feel like I’ve failed over and over again.. I need to remember the perspective of these boys and know that it’s been ok.   ❤️

Looking through pictures is different than it was before.  Pictures from 2019 feel different from 2020.  2020 pictures automatically raise my heart rate.  Those pictures transport me back and clearly remind me of the early  days of the pandemic.  But in other ways, those 2020 pictures are blurry.  That time is both clear and hazy.  I don’t remember how I did it all.  I don’t remember how I worked and still did all the activities in those pictures.  I don’t remember exactly how long we had a scared kid sleep in our bed but I remember his presence there calmed both him and me. I don’t remember when the tulips bloomed or the pool opened.  But I do remember trying to do anything that felt normal.  I remember donning a mask for the first time.  I remember visits with teachers and the “end” of school. I remember and I forget.  What I remember and what I can’t quite recall seem to bleed in to one another. So the pictures help to tell our story. 

I wonder what the boys will remember.  I wonder how this will impact them for years to come.  I hope they remember the good and also some of the hard parts.  I hope their memories are forgiving and understanding.  I hope their memories are full of love but also empathy for those that didn’t fare as well as us.  I hope they are both stronger and softer because of this.  Only time will tell.  For them.  For me. For all of us.