How it started, how it's going

How it started and how it’s going memes seem to be all the rage right now.  Heck I even shared a picture recently with this caption just to jump on the band wagon.  When I see them, I can't help but think of how this pandemic started for me and where I am almost a year later. 

Right now year old memories pop up on my phone reminding me of dinners  out, no masks , school events, birthday parties and more.   These memories make me happy as I see our smiling faces, but it also makes me want to jump into those photos and prepare the people in them for the changes right around the corner. 

How naïve I feel when I look back.  And how much anxiety I feel now for the me of a year ago.  She doesn't know what's coming, and wouldn't believe me if I could sneak back in time and tell her.  We’re weeks away from the anniversary of school cancellation, lockdowns and the change of life as we had previously known it.  

Over the past few months I think I've blogged enough about how it started and how we got here today, so I guess the question is "How's it going?". 

"Good, you?" is my standard response to that question.  But that short answer doesn't come close to encapsulating the many emotions I wrestle with. So instead of releasing verbal diarrhea on the next person who asks me that, I’ll try a written version here instead. 

I'm tired.  Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.  Tired of doing things that I generally love to do because those things feel different.  Tired of being worried.  Tired of over thinking.  Tired of telling my kids “maybe, let’s see, I’m sorry”. Tired.

I feel guilty.  Guilty for too much screen time, and not enough books.  Too many chips and not enough carrots.  Guilty for not seeing my family when I get to stand outside and see my friends. Guilty for things that I have no sense feeling guilty for. Guilty for time lost. Guilty. 

I'm conflicted.  Constantly evolving information.  People asking about activities.  Is it ok to do this but not that ? Never quite knowing how I feel about any of it. Conflicted.

I’m thankful.  For people who support me.  For extra time with my kids that I never would have had.  For midday puppy snuggles.  For the ability to run. For a warm house and  a supportive employer. Thankful. 

I’m grateful.  For my health and the health of those around me.  For a safe home and amazing teachers.  For an air fryer and instant pot.  (What?  It’s not all deep.) For optimism and better days ahead. I’m grateful.

I’m up and down.  I smile much more than I frown.  I love my morning coffee but miss my local coffee shop.  I appreciate the strength of my body and my mind while recognizing I’m asking a lot of both.  I’m accepting and questioning.  Up and down.  

I’m better than I’ve ever been.  Stronger. More resilient.  Adaptable.  Available.  Compassionate.  Determined. Empathetic. Better. And always working to be better. 

So “how’s it going?” Well, it’s complicated.  But if you’re willing to sit outside and talk about it , I’d be happy to share.