Behind the fence

 Behind the fence I have to let go.  I can control nothing but my emotions .  I can’t control theirs.  And some days ( today) that’s easier said than done. 

A strike out leads to tears.  A bat hit into the ground for theatrics.  More tears . I get frustrated at their frustration. I react.  Bigger than I should.  ( turns out that doesn’t help anyone) And now those big emotions are even more unstable and out of control. 

But what do you do when it’s more than that? What do you do when the emotions are bigger than the child can handle?  Do you intervene?  Do you address it later ?  I don’t have the answer, I’m genuinely asking . Tonight my small human struggled. Not only in public but also at home.  It took tremendous patience to wait it out.  He was embarrassed, frustrated and his little body literally quaked with too much energy.  I could feel the anxious beat of his heart , which echoed my own. But eventually the adrenaline passed and he found his way to my lap.  Slowly.  Tentatively he crawled on me.  And slowly, with each passing breath his body relaxed. He moved past it.  But what about me?  

Tonight I’m at 11/10.  I can’t eat.  I really hope I can sleep. I’m ready to shut the doors and never leave again . I’m embarrassed but at the same time want to advocate for my humans.  I’m guilt ridden .  ( is this my fault? And if yes, what am I doing wrong?) So what do I do ?  How do I help ?

Too many rhetorical questions tonight.    Raising kids is hard,but never in the way you think it will be.